Why I’m not dating after divorce yet…a post I’m writing because I see other people making big mistakes in this area, and I want to help based on the lessons I’ve learned in the past year.
Why I’m Not Dating After Divorce Yet
I am speaking the truth in love to my friends and followers who are recently divorced with children at home.
I’m speaking out because I care so deeply about this issue as an adult child of divorce and now as a divorced woman.
If your dating after divorce (or heaven forbid, before your divorce is final) is causing increased anxiety or rebellion in your children, stop dating right now and put your children’s needs ahead of yours.
Going bold here: I have not been on a single date since my divorce in March 2022 and I don’t regret it, though I’ve been incredibly lonely and vulnerable in that time period.
Yet I remember the utter chaos that my parents’ dating caused when I was a child. It wrecked me with all types of emotions even at age 4, and I still have vivid, full five-sense memories of the pain and confusion it caused me.
I have also seen my own children suffer greatly in this time period due to toxicity out of my control.
Though I have been far from perfect, I have not added drama to their lives by bringing another person into the picture.
If your dating after divorce is causing increased anxiety or rebellion in your children, stop dating right now and put your children's needs ahead of yours. Click To Tweet
What Your Children Need From You Now
Your kids need stability after divorce. They are suffering greatly now, and they will continue to suffer the rest of their lives from the aftereffects of your divorce, whether you wanted it or not. Whether you caused it or not.
As I say on Heart in a Drawer, my podcast for adult children of divorce, it is like a nuclear bomb going off with half-lives extending for many decades.
You have the power to decrease the chaos and serve as a stable base for your children. Even if the other parent is a wrecking ball, you can sacrifice your needs for a time for the benefit of your children.
I firmly believe you will never, ever regret this. You only have so many years with your children in your home.
Don’t inject 1,000 more problems into their lives by bringing a new person (and his or her kids and extended family) into your life too soon.
Your children (even teenagers) need your love, support, affirmation, validation, and most of all, focused attention from you. You need to fill your cup with good things to be able to pour out onto them – not drain your cup with a too-soon relationship. See tips on how to fill your cup below.
After divorce, you have the power to decrease the chaos and serve as a stable base for your children. Click To Tweet
When to Date After Divorce
How soon is too soon? That differs for everyone. But the books I’ve read have said no dating for one full year – longer if you have been in an abusive situation, like I have been. Based on his 30+ years of experience, my counselor said he recommends waiting to date no less than one full year after divorce.
I’m over the grieving stage in my journey, but I’ve really just started the healing and forgiveness stage. I don’t know how long that will take, but I know it can’t be rushed. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. It will take as long as it needs to take, and that could be much longer than I want it to be. But that’s just part of adulting; you must do hard things for the greater good.
When I consider rushing ahead just to make myself feel better, I picture the faces of my three precious children in their moments of suffering post-divorce. I never, ever want to add any more pain to them by putting my search for a loneliness cure ahead of their own needs for healing.
Years ago, I listened to Dr. Randy Carlson’s Intentional Living radio show. He repeatedly told people to consider not dating after divorce until all children are out of your home. I’m not sure if I will follow that advice to a T, since my youngest is just now turning 15. However, I know I will not date anyone until I feel that my children are ready for me to take this step, and I will most certainly discuss it with them first (all are teens).
Don't put your search for a loneliness cure ahead of your children's needs for healing after divorce. Click To Tweet
What to Do Instead of Dating After Divorce
So what can you do instead of dating after divorce? Get an accountability partner. Someone you can literally call day or night when you’re tempted to do something stupid like calling your ex, hooking up, posting inappropriate things online, shopping for therapy, drinking too much, taking drugs, viewing porn, or any other stuff you know you shouldn’t be doing.
Go out with your friends of the same sex. I love every minute of time with my girlfriends and I keep in touch with them regularly. They fill my cup with the love I need.
Go see a counselor. Journal. You may greatly benefit from going to a DivorceCare group in your local area.
Take a walk. Get out in nature and learn to be still. Splash your face with water. Go to sleep instead of staying up way too late.
Don’t read romance novels or watch romance movies if that makes things more complicated for you. Take in material that is edifying and encouraging instead of making you feel like you don’t have what you need.
Go to church every week – NOT to meet other people, but to worship God and learn from his Word. Listen to the playlist I recommend on this post to strengthen your faith in weak moments.
Educate yourself. Learn about the challenges blended families face. Family Life has an entire portion of its ministry dedicated to this topic. Learn HERE.
Pray in any way or fashion you need to do – mine has been screaming and cussing more times than I can count. God can handle it. Tell him about your loneliness, then ask him to help you stand firm for your kids’ sakes.
Give yourself abundant time to grieve, heal, and forgive. Process your emotions in safe spaces. Don’t complicate your life and your children’s lives by processing them with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted.
Lots of tips for what to do instead of dating after divorce - for the sake of your children and your own healing. Click To Tweet
Moving Forward
Remember this lesson I learned from Focus on the Family: The best marriages are built like houses. Friendship is the foundation. Advocacy (having each other’s backs) are the walls. Sexual intimacy is the roof.
So, if you start with the roof like I did with my failed marriage, guess what? You don’t have a house. You have a foolish, expensive, wasteful mess to clean up.
Instead, go slow by establishing friendship. You’ll never regret it. However, do the processing, grieving and healing at least while you establish friendship, preferably before.
Your children need to see you building a healthy relationship with another person. This will be a good model for their own future relationships.
Give yourself abundant time to grieve, heal, and forgive after divorce - before you ever consider dating someone new. Click To Tweet
I’m Here for You
You can do this, friend! I’m rooting for you. You can send me a prayer request HERE.
If you’ve made mistakes, confess those to God today and repent – this means turn in the other direction. If you haven’t yet dated, don’t rush into it. Stay on the straight and narrow path for your children’s sake, and be proud of yourself.
I recommend calling Focus on the Family for a free, one-time consultation which will point you to a Christian counselor in your area. Then make that investment in yourself and your children. You’ll never look back with regret if you do what’s right by your kids and by God.
You may enjoy my recent post One Year Post-Divorce: Lessons I’ve Learned with more resources and materials.
Thanks for reading today – I pray this post holds you accountable and encourages you to make good choices.
Giving Opportunity
If you have found this post or any other resource of mine to be helpful, I’d appreciate your gift of any amount to help fund our family dog’s first surgery on July 12:
We need to reach the $4K mark to fully fund Memphis’s first surgery. His next surgery will be this fall, and we appreciate any help you can give.
As a thank-you for your gift of any amount, I’m emailing this hand-drawn printable to every donor. You will receive both the black-and-white and color versions. These flowers are in the meadow in my front yard, and I enjoyed drawing them just for you!
Thank you in advance for your help in this challenging time for me and my teens.
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