To start setting boundaries on negative behaviors, you must begin by setting them on yourself.
This truth surprised me when I read the Boundaries book that changed my life. The first half of the book is about recognizing that even if others are crossing your boundaries, you may be the worst boundary offender in your life. You must set boundaries against your own negative behaviors before you set them against the negative behaviors of others.
To begin this boundary-setting process, get somewhere quiet and take an honest look at yourself. Sit down with a pen and notebook, and jot down the ways you treat yourself far worse than you would anyone else. Be ruthless with the truth, but gentle with yourself.
I’ll get gut-level honest with you. Here are some ways I mistreated myself that had to stop.
- Reviewing conversations with others from the recent or distant past and calling myself stupid or dumb in my mind or out loud. I do this whether I actually made a mistake or not.
- Picking at my face (this is called excoriation disorder) when I feel stressed.
- Hating myself for being 15 to 50 pounds overweight at various life stages.
- Bingeing on food when stressed.
- Pushing myself so hard to prove my worth that I put sleep, exercise, and healthy eating on the back burner.
This list isn’t easy to write, and it’s certainly not easy to share on the wide-open internet. I share this list to show that you aren’t alone in the negative behaviors you may face. And I have been able to make enormous progress in every area with God’s help, great books and counseling.
Setting Boundaries on Negative Behaviors
This scripture is key for learning what to do with our lists.
“To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, ‘If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'” John 8:31-32 NIV
Jesus spoke this truth to believers, and He is speaking it to you today. Let’s break it down into four parts of setting boundaries on negative behaviors.
A 4-step process to setting boundaries against negative behaviors. Click To TweetReplace Lies with Truth
If you hold to my teaching…
The #1 way to set boundaries on your negative behaviors is to replace lies with God’s truths and teachings. Whatever your issue is, a scripture exists to counter it. You can use scripture to build a fence of protection around your heart and cling to it when negative behaviors tempt you.
Let’s take my #1 example, calling myself stupid or dumb. What’s the heart issue? Self-hatred.
What’s the opposite? Loving myself in a God-pleasing way. I can look up verses on love in the word search on biblegateway.com.
Here’s an excellent verse for building a boundary against self-hatred:
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1a NIV
I can turn this verse into a declaration when I start condemning myself:
“Since God lavishes love on me and calls me His child, I will stop tearing myself down with self-hatred.”
When I hear myself saying those condemning words, God’s Word stops their progress with a firm boundary. I hold to God’s teaching and experience peace through the boundary. You can do this too!
The number one way to set boundaries on your negative behaviors is to replace lies with God's truths and teachings. Click To TweetAct Like a Disciple
…you are really my disciples.
I need to set a boundary against the “old” me and step into the “new” me in my boundary-setting process. This verse comes to my mind frequently in my healing journey:
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
The old me struggled with those self-destructive behaviors. Now that I’m following Jesus more closely as His disciple, I want to walk a righteous path with myself and others. I must throw off my old tendencies and pick up the new, healing ways He is teaching me, which include setting boundaries on negative behaviors.
Tell Yourself the Truth
Then you will know the truth…
The only way to know God’s truth is to study it. God’s truth is unchangeable. It doesn’t change based on how I see myself, how much I weigh, how much I eat, or how far along I am in my faith journey. His truth is perfect, alive, and powerful, and I must study it to harness its power.
I have always been a believer. But I didn’t start studying the Bible every day until I was about 23 years old. I bought a One Year Bible and began reading it every morning.
A direct correlation exists between my study of God’s Word and my boundary setting journey. The more truth I hid in my heart, the more obvious my negative behaviors became. God’s Word holds the power to change your life, and if you make time every day to read it, you will make progress in your boundary-setting journey.
A direct correlation exists between studying God's Word and setting boundaries against destructive behaviors. Click To TweetExperience Freedom through Boundaries
…and the truth will set you free.
Setting boundaries on negative behaviors is hard work. You’ll make many more mistakes before a new habit takes hold. Keep practicing, using God’s Word to fight against the negative behaviors. I promise you will see progress, because the Holy Spirit will help you.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31a NIV
Keep seeking God’s strength as you set new boundaries on negative behaviors. He will continue to renew you day by day, and soon you won’t look the same as you did before. God’s power will set you free from the shackles of your negative behaviors, and you will find greater peace and abundance in Jesus’ presence.
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