How to Choose Wise Battles in a Difficult Marriage

Welcome to part four of my marriage series, titled How to Be a Loving Wife in a Difficult Marriage. I’m sharing four different ways to put love into action in a difficult marriage. Today’s topic is How to Choose Wise Battles in a Difficult Marriage.

Use God’s Word to Choose Wise Battles

Over our 17 years of marriage, my husband and I have fought many battles. Some come with the territory from being unequally yoked. Other battles have been fought over money, time management, clutter, parenting, and in-laws. In our difficult marriage, I have learned that some battles are worth fighting, and some are not.

How do you know which battles are worth fighting? First, I turn to God’s Word for guidance. These verses have helped me discern which battles are worth fighting in our marriage.

Give discernment to me, your servant; then I will understand your laws. Psalm 119:125 NLT

God’s laws are the standard in our marriage, not our personal preferences. When one of us is in direct violation of God’s law and we are going down a wayward path, it’s time to confront. I’ve prayed for discernment and wisdom on how to proceed when I knew God’s law was being broken.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17 NIV

As a conflict-averse peacemaker, I’ve turned to this passage many times to remember that conflict is sometimes needed, and that it’s God-approved. Jesus Himself spoke these words. He wants me to confront when necessary and go about it in the most respectful way possible. He offers suggestions to help the offender learn the lesson. Again and again, I’ve used the principles in Matthew 18 to fight necessary battles in my difficult marriage.

Use Prayer to Choose Wise Battles

Prayer is the main key to fighting and winning battles in your difficult marriage. When I go into battle with my husband without praying, the results are disastrous. Heartache, silence, and hurt feelings abound, sometimes for weeks. When I pray first and get guidance from the Lord, the fallout from battles is far less painful. 

These are the questions I take to God in prayer before going to battle in my marriage:

• Do I need to prepare for battle, or do I need to work on forgiveness and letting go instead?
• Is this a one-time offense, or is a destructive pattern forming?
• Is this a disappointment I need to work on with you alone, Lord, or is it also affecting others (like my children)?
• Am I being hypersensitive, or is your Holy Spirit pointing out a truth I need to see?
• How is the enemy getting the upper hand in our marriage, and how can a confrontation put a stop to it?
• Lord, am I contributing to this problem? What do I need to change first?

I could list more, but you get the general idea. I seek wisdom from God first. If He tells me it’s time to go to battle, I arm myself first with prayer, then with the armor of God mentioned in Ephesians 6.

Power in the Psalms

These are scriptures I keep in mind when I’m preparing for battle:

He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze. Psalm 18:34 NIV

Who is this King of glory?
    The Lord strong and mighty,
    the Lord mighty in battle. Psalm 24:8 NIV

He rescues me unharmed
    from the battle waged against me,
    even though many oppose me. Psalm 55:18 NIV

These scriptures remind me the battle belongs to God. He will strengthen and empower me, and he will protect me against my true enemy (the prince of darkness), because my husband is not the real enemy I’m fighting against.

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 NIV

There may be a stronghold from the enemy in your marriage. When you go to battle, you’re fighting on the spiritual battlefield. That’s why you need prayer to fight your battles. Prayer connects you to the one true God who will fight on your behalf, dear one!

Use Christian Books to Choose Wise Battles

In this series, I’ve mentioned many different books that helped me endure our marriage trials. I encourage you to check out the other series links for more recommendations (see below). These three books have been instrumental in helping me fight and win battles in our marriage.

The Power of Prayer™ to Change Your Marriage

A few years ago, Stormie O’Martian came to my area to speak at a Christian women’s event. I was fortunate enough to meet her, get her signature, and tell her how much this book meant to me. Here’s a photo of me with Stormie:

I got to tell her that her book helped save my marriage. Her book of prayer prompts helped me find God’s peace despite the battles I faced. I highly recommend it to anyone in a difficult marriage, along with her many other wonderful books on prayer.

How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication

I have a whole collection of books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and the books have literally transformed my life for the better. This excellent book provides practice advice and examples of how to stage a conflict. It’s useful for many personal and professional settings, but I found it particularly helpful in fighting battles in my marriage. The book helped me think through and practice Matthew 18:15-17 (see above) before I put the verses into action.

Thriving Despite A Difficult Marriage

Years ago I heard these writers on a Focus on the Family broadcast. Their interview spoke right to the heart of my battles, and I called that day to order their book. If you have decided to remain in a difficult marriage like I have, this may be the most helpful book you will read. It not only helps you choose your battles wisely, it helps you move beyond survival mode to thriving in relationship with Jesus. I can’t speak highly enough of this helpful resource for those who feel stuck in difficult marriages.

Practice Self Care after Marriage Battles

If you decide to go to battle, you will get wounded one way or another. That’s what battles do. I’m not talking about physical wounds–if you experience those, you need professional help ASAP. I’m talking about the emotional, heart-level wounds that come after a conflict.

Before, during, and after going to battle in your marriage, you need to surround yourself with a support network, as I mentioned in my previous post. You cannot successfully fight for your marriage alone, and you will feel less battle-weary if you have a network of support.

I have also learned to be extra gentle with myself after a marriage battle. The day after a battle is not for heavy lifting, whether it’s emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. I often feel like crying, but I limit how long I let the tears flow and I distract myself from obsessing over the details of the fight.

I bathe the day in prayer, forcing my mind off my hurts and praising God instead for who He is. Sometimes I just ask God to hold me and comfort me after a battle. He always answers that prayer.

I’ve learned to do something specific just to show myself kindness. I buy myself an inexpensive bouquet of flowers, play my flute, or watch 90’s music videos on YouTube. The day after a battle is a good day to go out for lunch, browse the clearance racks at Target or check out some new books from the library. To just enjoy being me, and remember that God loves me no matter what.

My friend Lauren has written a great list of self-care ideas. If you’re hurting after a marriage battle, I encourage you to choose one item from her list and use it for healing.

Thank You!

Thank you for joining me for this series. It’s been an honor to hear how my posts have encouraged you! If you want to share your story only with me, please visit my contact page and send me an email. I am happy to lift up your needs in prayer.

Visit these links for other posts in the series:

Guard Your Heart in a Difficult Marriage

Adjust Your Expectations in a Difficult Marriage

Set Loving Boundaries in a Difficult Marriage

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