Love Plus Limits is a post I first wrote for Kingdom Edge Magazine in January 2021, and I’m republishing it here today.

Love Plus Limits

What are the two most important parenting approaches for a healthy, well-adjusted child?

Dr. Henry Cloud has a live show on Facebook every weekday. He is a Christian psychologist and well-known author. Recently, he gave the research-backed answer to this question.

One – a high degree of warmth.

Two – a high degree of expectations.

Both are needed together for the healthiest parenting environment. With a lot of warmth and high expectations, children are more likely to be healthy. Love plus limits equals success.

I’ve been thinking about this double-sided truth not only as a parent, but as a child of God.

You can’t have one style without the other and still have a successful turnout. A high degree of warmth with low expectations yields a permissive parent. This type of parent is more like a friend than an authority figure, but the type a child won’t really respect.

On the other hand, a high degree of expectations with a low degree of warmth will yield an authoritarian parent. This type of parent is cold and distant, without the grace that love and forgiveness brings. The type a child will fear and hold at an arm’s distance.

I’ve seen both of those parenting styles at work in my family tree and in other families I know. What I’ve observed to be true is both of those dysfunctional parenting styles – permissive and authoritarian – tend to produce rebellious children. Children who are hungry for love plus limits in balance together. 

The love plus limits approach is more likely to produce healthy, well-adjusted children.

I have tried to use the authoritative parenting style on my three children: warm, but also rather strict. My children – two teens and one tween – are my pride and joy. They are well-adjusted despite the many parenting mistakes I’ve made. I believe they are thriving in a home where love is always on tap, while boundaries are firmly enforced.

You may not have grown up in a home with an authoritative parenting style. Many of us did not. Yet, your Father God is that type of parent to you. He’s far better at balancing love plus limits than the best human parent could ever be.

God shows us a high degree of warmth. 

Scripture says that God IS love (1 John 4:8). Our Father loved us so much that he sacrificed his only Son for us, before we were even born. His love is all-encompassing, all-knowing and all-forgiving.

God also has high expectations for us. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:13-14 (NLT): “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”

The gate is narrow because the expectations are high. Only a few are willing to go through it. The road to that gate is difficult. With our Father’s help, we can find it. We can follow Jesus’ example as we walk it. And the Holy Spirit will guide us along the path.

None of us enjoy receiving corrections. 

We sometimes bristle at the “rules” we find in scripture. But I think deep down, we want God to hold us accountable, just like a good parent would do. His expectations show that he cares. That he counts us worthy of the calling we’ve received (Eph. 4:1), because our Father wants us to become more like Jesus every day.

Love plus limits is the approach good parents use, and it’s the approach God uses with his beloved children. 

In which areas do you need more of God’s love? In which areas are you resisting his limits? 

Go to him in prayer today, relying on your perfect Heavenly Father to grow you in faith.

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