How to Set Boundaries on Others’ Bad Behavior

Does it feel like other people are ruining your life with their bad behavior?

No one truly holds the power to ruin your life. But some people seem bent on destroying your peace.

I know this from years of being abused in various relationships. I understand how it feels to live under someone’s criticism, bad moods, and angry outbursts. It’s hard not to let their bad behavior reign over your life.

Through many years of Bible study, reading, and counseling, I’ve learned how to set firm boundaries against others’ bad behavior and gain the peace I always desired. Here are the steps to take when setting a boundary.

Set Boundaries on Yourself

First, it’s important to set boundaries on yourself. I’ve covered that topic in this post. You can’t contribute to the problem while you set a boundary, or a new boundary simply won’t work.

Cover the Boundary in Prayer

Setting boundaries is serious business. They have the power to change relationships for the good. You must dedicate your boundary to prayer, no matter how small it seems. By praying over the boundary before, during, and after it is set, you will gain the peace that passes all understanding. (Phil. 4:7) Otherwise, your boundary setting action could feel like it’s tearing your heart out.

Draw close to God as you plan to set the boundary. He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deut. 31:6). He will use the experience to make you more like Christ, if you seek His will with every forward step.

Boundaries are Necessary for Change

It’s critical to remember that nothing will change unless you set a boundary against bad behavior. As my counselor once told me, you can’t predict what will happen once the boundary is set, but you can guarantee nothing will change unless it is set.

Jesus set firm boundaries. He chased the money changers out of the temple with a whip (John 2:13-16). That’s a firm boundary if I ever saw one. He knew that change needed to happen, and it wouldn’t happen without a decisive boundary. I gain strength from knowing that Jesus used boundaries again and again. He wasn’t afraid of boundaries, and He used them for the greater good.

Define the Bad Behavior

You must carefully define the bad behavior you wish would stop. Ask yourself these questions:

• Is my request reasonable? For example, if the behavior is something your offender truly cannot change, such as a behavior due to mental illness, the capacity for change may be limited. You may only be able to place boundaries on the time you spend with the person rather than expecting change to happen.
• Is this behavior sinful or a mere annoyance? For example, occasional interruptions may be annoying but not truly wrong or hurtful. Gossip and criticism, on the other hand, are sinful and damaging. They need to be stopped so others don’t get hurt.
• Am I requesting change with only one behavior? Some of my offenders were causing multiple problems. But I forced myself to pick one, and only one, behavior to confront at a time. This makes change more likely and less overwhelming.
• Even if my offender doesn’t change, will I accept the situation? Not all boundaries are accepted. You may even lose the relationship. Jesus tells us to count the costs before taking action. Have you considered the costs? I felt that setting boundaries was important because they offered the opportunity for peace. If the change didn’t occur, I could move forward peacefully, knowing I’d done everything in my power to make things right.

Asking wise questions can help you clarify your boundary. Take these questions to God in prayer and submit to His will in these matters.

Get Support from Others

It’s crucial to surround yourself with a strong power base before you set boundaries. You’ll need several friends to turn to for love and help, since you’ll likely be shunned or attacked by your offender when you set the boundary.

I have faced opposition many times for setting boundaries against bad behavior. Sometimes my offender stopped talking to me for months. Other times, the criticism and bad behavior increased and rose higher up in my face. Whether you face fire or ice, you’ll need others to fulfill your needs while you set a boundary against bad behavior.

Seek Wise Counsel

Discuss your boundary-setting plan with at least three trusted advisers who don’t belong to the same social circles, and who preferably aren’t your family members. If their judgment matches, you’ll know you’re hearing the truth. You will gain insight and wisdom from these people who can help you speak with tact. Pastors, counselors, and close, godly friends are good choices. Their perspectives can set you on the right path. You can even practice your boundary-setting speech with them first to work out the kinks.

Speak the Truth in Love

When the day comes to set your boundary, you can use the sandwich approach. You place the negativity of the boundary inside a positive sandwich. This helps your offender accept the boundary better. It works like this:

• Start with a loving statement that affirms the person’s value to you.
• State how the bad behavior is taking a toll on you and damaging your relationship.
• Request a change that has the power to restore your relationship.

Here’s a real-life example of how I once put the sandwich approach to work:

“I respect you as my co-worker, and I appreciate your knowledge and commitment to quality. Yet your recent criticism undermined my role, and I felt hurt by your words, especially because you spoke them in the presence of others. I hope that next time, you will point out my mistake privately without using a demeaning tone or condescending words. I need to know that you’re willing to make a change, so we can have a good working relationship in the future.”

This person did not accept my boundary, even though I prayed over my words, sought wise counsel, and used the calmest, most respectful tone possible. I received the cold shoulder until the day I left that job. Some people are in denial about their bad behavior, and some relationships can’t be reconciled.

However, I’m proud of myself for speaking the truth in love. I truly wanted this person to see the truth about herself, so she could be live a happier and more fulfilled life. Yet I couldn’t change her, and I had to simply forgive her and move on. I did all I could to make our relationship better, and I can be proud of that.

Combine Acceptance with Praise

If your boundary setting is successful, praise God for the changes! Praise Him for working in your heart and working in your offender’s heart. Also, remember to occasionally praise your former offender for making the changes. Change is hard for everyone, especially adults who can be set in their ways. Your praise can spur them on to further health and peace.

If your boundary setting isn’t successful, you still have many reasons to praise God. Praise Him for using you as an instrument of truth in someone else’s life. You never know if that truth they refused today will be a seed of change in their future. Praise God for being faithful, kind, and loving to you all the time, even when others aren’t. Praise Him for the supporters you have and for the wise counsel you received.

I’ve learned that acceptance is the most beautiful way to live. In my relationship trials, I never reached acceptance without first setting boundaries. You, too, can find blessings and peace in setting boundaries against others’ bad behavior. I pray God will give you the wisdom to do so and send you wise counselors to help you.

Boundary Resources for You

Would you like me to pray specifically over the boundary you need to set? Visit my Contact page to send me an email. I will be honored to pray for you on your boundary-setting journey.

If you’re looking for information on how to set boundaries in marriage, you’ll enjoy this series of posts and my free library resources.

I highly recommend this book to help you prepare for a boundary-setting conversation. It has helped me many times, and I hope it helps you too. Click on the graphic to purchase, and I’ll gain a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Questions for you:

Which relationship of yours will benefit from a new boundary?

Which steps will you apply the next time you need to set a boundary?

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