They worried over me
and I didn’t even know.
Mom found my red notebook
and in her panic she showed it to Dad.
They both read my darkest letter
I never needed to leave behind.
But that was months ago
and all Mom said was, “I never knew
what I might find when I came home.”
Why didn’t she say something,
when things were really bad?
Dad and I sat in my car in my driveway
and I braced myself for a rebuke.
“First of all,” he said,
“I want to emphasize
the excellence of your writing.”
Nothing could have surprised me more—
a compliment for my final goodbye?
Then he recounted his own familiar story
and I waited for him to say
Instead he said, “Shake it off.”
His words tumbled down a cold shaft
and rattled me to my core.
If you really knew me
if you really understood
you’d know the thick darkness pulled me downward
and the dark grey cloud still threatens above.
I can’t lighten up, I can’t
shake it off.
I can only claw my way out of the pit
with the help of my heavenly Father.
But I said nothing
because we are not the same
and deep inside
I moved far away.